Hello. My name is Stacy, and I’m an overeater

I started my pre-operative diet on Wednesday. Five days in and I’ve lost 11lbs. It doesn’t feel good though, it feels gross. Like my insides are shriveling up. The diet last for two weeks. My surgery is on June 30, so I am less than two weeks out now. For the first week, I eat a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and a Lean Cuisine (300 calories or less) for dinner. The second week, I can have four protein shakes a day for the first six days. The day before surgery is all clear liquids, which means water, broth and Jell-O.

The good news? I can have as much sugar free Jell-O and chicken broth as I want throughout the two weeks. I thought that was the good news, until I realized they are NOT food. I actually found myself trying to chew my Jell-O just to have the feeling of eating solid food. I’m only consuming about 500 calories a day. Something that sounds scary, but trust me I am working closely with my surgeon and a nutritionist. This would be dangerous if it was long term, but it’s not.

The purpose is to shrink my liver before surgery. Apparently, fat person = fat liver. Since my liver sits on top of the surgical site, I have to do this two-week diet to shrink it enough so it won’t be in the way. If successful, this two weeks can shrink my liver by 25 percent. Plus, it gets me in the mind set of what fewer calories and smaller portions feel like, while detoxing my body.

Let me be clear, this extreme dieting is only for this two week period. After surgery I will start eating normal (more healthy) foods again.

I feel what I imagine an addict feels like the first few days of rehab. I’ve been stripped of sugar, carbs, fat and most calories. I crave it. I think about it constantly. I think about how I could sneak a little a no one would ever know. I feel guilty for secretly wanting something fried or a juicy steak. I’m sad because a Sonic commercial make me physically hurt. Most of all, I feel bad that it’s only been five days, and I have all these feelings. I’m hungry, shaky and can’t think well. All things I have to do my best to work through, because I’m at work most of the day.

In my life, food has always been the center of any celebration. Something good happens, holidays, or just because you want to hang out with a few friends, it’s usually centered around food. Unfortunately, my pre-op diet lands right in the middle of many situations (Father’s Day, my birthday, monthly work breakfast and birthday celebrations, a dear friend moving away).

Last night a bunch of friends went out, and I had to stay behind. Their night consisted of dinner and a few drinks out. As much as it pains me, I’m not strong enough to sit at a restaurant and not eat. Not to mention I have to drink at least 64 ounces of water, which I’m not used to, and have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes. I’m uncomfortable, because I’m always hungry and don’t have a lot of energy. Needless to say, I probably would have brought the night down.

I am determined more than ever to push through these two weeks without a single mistake. If I don’t have enough self control to do this, I don’t have much hope for making the right decisions in the long run. I will survive this successfully. I have been given the gift of having a chance, and I will not screw it up.