Good Things to Come

Well, I’ve almost made it; just a day and a half before my surgery. I’m so ready for it! The past two weeks have been challenging, and I’m ready for the next phase.

I only “cheated” one time, but I had my doctor’s permission. After so many protein shakes, they started to make me really nauseous. He said if the shakes get to be too much, then just make a smart decision and have a Lean Cuisine. So, for my birthday dinner, my family came over and we all had Lean Cuisines to eat. Today, two very good friends had a celebration for me complete with sugar-free Jell-O and candles.

I’m supposed to be drinking four protein shakes today, but I’m just so over them. I’ve had one today and suppose I will have to have one more to get through dinner. Tomorrow is only clear liquids, which I am kind of looking forward to after all these gross shakes.

It is very touching how different people have found ways to be so supportive. Since day one, no one has ever said anything negative or unsupportive. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I didn’t expect everyone to be SO nice. In the back of my mind I kept thinking people would think I was just lazy and needed to go on a diet. So far, people have been very understanding and open about sharing their own food issues.

I am looking forward to meeting small goals I don’t think most people would even think of being a problem. The truth is when you are overweight it starts to take over your thinking. For example, I’m always concerned about weight limits. On our honeymoon, Eli and I went parasailing. I remember the sheer panic that washed over me, when we were in the middle of the ocean and the guide started asking everyone their weight. I was surrounded by muscles and bikinis, and I was horrified. I actually whispered it in his ear, instead of saying it out loud. To make matters worse, I had to have a different suit than everyone else. It looked like it was for transporting a whale through the air.

I recently reached a new low, when I had to get a seatbelt extender on our flight to/from the Bahamas in May. Fortunately, I already had this surgery scheduled or I would have been pretty depressed. I felt like it was a sign from God that I was doing the right thing. It was quite comforting to know that probably won’t ever happen again.

Some other things I am looking forward to:
• Being healthy
• My back and legs not hurting as much
• Being able to stand for longer periods of time without my feet killing me
• Crossing my legs
• Not avoiding activities, because I’m scared I’m too big
• Having more than two stores I can buy clothes

I’m sure there are many more, but these are some of the big ones. Change is around the corner, and I’m ready!

The Five Stages

I am on day nine of the 14-day pre-op diet. So far, I’ve lost 18 lbs. I can’t wait until after surgery, when I am losing weight the normal, healthy way. I’m proud to say, I haven’t slipped from my diet once. Not one bite. Not one drink. Nothing.

I think I’m not hungry anymore, but the truth is, I just got used to the feeling of hunger. It sounds weird, but it makes me feel good to know I’m ok with that feeling. I don’t always have to be full.
I’ve done quite of bit of work mentally over the past nine days, and I think it’s paying off.

I think Eli was a little scared before this started. There are two things that can put me in a bad mood faster than anything: being hot or being hungry. Lucky for us, my diet started during a heat wave. Yay! I’ve only gotten snippy a couple of times, and they were just sarcastic one-liners (shocker, right?). In my defense, one of them was in a really hot car after we had been running errands all day. I probably would have been cranky anyways.

I make up for it by being entertaining. I always tell my dog she’s so cute I could just take a bite out of her. Well, the other day I told her that, and Eli looked at me with a concerned look on his face. As if I would eat the dog! The cat is much bigger and fatter. I kid, I kid. I promise if I come close to eating one of my pets, I will put an end to this diet.

I think I’ve been experiencing the five stages of grief. I know this usually refers to something much more serious than being denied food, but you starve for nine days and tell me how you feel!

1. Denial
I don’t have any issues with food.
2. Anger
Why do I have to go through this? How come everyone else can eat what they want and not have any problems?
3. Bargaining
Let me have just one bite of your sandwich, Eli. One bite isn’t cheating is it?
Don’t worry, I didn’t. I was just testing my power. I have none.
4. Depression
I’m hungry. I feel gross. I have no energy. This is never going to get better.
5. Acceptance
Only X number of days left. I can do this. My life is going to change, but be so much better.

Moral of the story? I’m alive, I feel ok, my pants are already too big and I’m only five days away from surgery. I’ve worked the stages of grief and came out on the positive side (so far).

Hello. My name is Stacy, and I’m an overeater

I started my pre-operative diet on Wednesday. Five days in and I’ve lost 11lbs. It doesn’t feel good though, it feels gross. Like my insides are shriveling up. The diet last for two weeks. My surgery is on June 30, so I am less than two weeks out now. For the first week, I eat a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and a Lean Cuisine (300 calories or less) for dinner. The second week, I can have four protein shakes a day for the first six days. The day before surgery is all clear liquids, which means water, broth and Jell-O.

The good news? I can have as much sugar free Jell-O and chicken broth as I want throughout the two weeks. I thought that was the good news, until I realized they are NOT food. I actually found myself trying to chew my Jell-O just to have the feeling of eating solid food. I’m only consuming about 500 calories a day. Something that sounds scary, but trust me I am working closely with my surgeon and a nutritionist. This would be dangerous if it was long term, but it’s not.

The purpose is to shrink my liver before surgery. Apparently, fat person = fat liver. Since my liver sits on top of the surgical site, I have to do this two-week diet to shrink it enough so it won’t be in the way. If successful, this two weeks can shrink my liver by 25 percent. Plus, it gets me in the mind set of what fewer calories and smaller portions feel like, while detoxing my body.

Let me be clear, this extreme dieting is only for this two week period. After surgery I will start eating normal (more healthy) foods again.

I feel what I imagine an addict feels like the first few days of rehab. I’ve been stripped of sugar, carbs, fat and most calories. I crave it. I think about it constantly. I think about how I could sneak a little a no one would ever know. I feel guilty for secretly wanting something fried or a juicy steak. I’m sad because a Sonic commercial make me physically hurt. Most of all, I feel bad that it’s only been five days, and I have all these feelings. I’m hungry, shaky and can’t think well. All things I have to do my best to work through, because I’m at work most of the day.

In my life, food has always been the center of any celebration. Something good happens, holidays, or just because you want to hang out with a few friends, it’s usually centered around food. Unfortunately, my pre-op diet lands right in the middle of many situations (Father’s Day, my birthday, monthly work breakfast and birthday celebrations, a dear friend moving away).

Last night a bunch of friends went out, and I had to stay behind. Their night consisted of dinner and a few drinks out. As much as it pains me, I’m not strong enough to sit at a restaurant and not eat. Not to mention I have to drink at least 64 ounces of water, which I’m not used to, and have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes. I’m uncomfortable, because I’m always hungry and don’t have a lot of energy. Needless to say, I probably would have brought the night down.

I am determined more than ever to push through these two weeks without a single mistake. If I don’t have enough self control to do this, I don’t have much hope for making the right decisions in the long run. I will survive this successfully. I have been given the gift of having a chance, and I will not screw it up.

The Background

I have been thinking about this for a long time. By this, I mean the decision to share a personal part of my life with everyone. There are a few things to consider. First, I am putting it out there. There is no going back. Making details available on the Web is not something you can change your mind about later.

Second, I work in public relations. I am encouraged to be creative and improve my writing skills on a daily basis, but there is a lot of pressure to write well all the time. I don’t have the security of a team proofing and weighing in on the things I write here. It drives me absolutely crazy to misspell a word or make a grammatical error when I am posting on Facebook. I know there will be times I post something with a mistake, so I am going to try and not be so much of a perfectionist that I don’t tell a good story.

Let me warn you, I tend to over share sometimes. Some think this is charming, some can’t believe I say the things I say. It’s me, and it’s always been me. I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. What can I say? I’m honest. You never have to guess where I stand on something. I tend to lay everything on the line. Point being, be prepared for moments of TMI.

Where to start….

I guess by now, you’re either bored or wish I would get to the point. Here goes. I’m about to have a life-changing surgery called Lap-Band. Basically, I am having a plastic band put around the upper part of my stomach to create a smaller stomach. It will restrict the amount of food I can eat and give me the feeling of being full after about a ½ a cup of food. I will be consuming between 500 and 1,000 calories a day. While this sounds drastic, so is my weight. I currently tip the scales at 287 pounds. I need to weigh about 140 pounds. You have no idea how hard it is to admit that. I only recently became comfortable enough to share this information. Until a couple of months ago, my own husband didn’t know how much I weighed. For so long my weight has been a well-kept secret full of shame and embarrassment. Now that I’m doing something about my weight I feel good about putting it all out on the table.

How did I get here?

Believe it or not, I used to be a skinny, athletic person. I played volleyball, was on the track team, very active in ROTC… you get the point. This photo is from my first day of college in 2002. AfterI started college, the weight gain started. At first it was passed off as the “freshman 15.” I was living on my own for the first time and not as active as I was in high school. The doctor thought I was letting myself go. To tell you the truth, I thought the same thing. Eventually they figured it out. I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I developed this disease because my body had an excessive amount of insulin, which caused a lot of problems, including weight gain. Once diagnosed, it became hard to control my weight. To top it off, the medicine I needed to take to help with my excessive insulin made me sick. The weight just kept coming and I became more and more miserable.

I tried a few times to lose the weight, but it resulted in one failure after another. In a way, that was more stressful than just being overweight. After a while, I gave up. If I am going to weigh a million pounds and not be able to lose it, then I’m not going to diet and be miserable. Almost eight years later, here I am. All 287 pounds of me.

I’m not blaming my PCOS for everything. It started the problem and I made it worse. I gave up on myself. I slowly spiraled downward until I didn’t recognize myself anymore, literally. Part of it was because I was young and oblivious to the fact that I was killing myself. I eat what I want, when I want without regards to portion size or calories.

My family has a very complicated medical history that includes heart disease, obesity and cancer. My current weight makes me much more likely to develop these problems and more. Luckily, I’m young enough that I just might be able to avoid some of these problems if I can lose the weight. In fact, my doctors are confident I can reverse my PCOS after I lose the weight.

Trust me, this isn’t a decision I made lightly, no pun intended. I have been considering it, researching it and talking to my doctors about it for a couple of years. Not to mention, I’ve been saving for it. You see, in our messed up world of health insurance, my insurance plan doesn’t cover any weight loss procedure for any reason. In a way, I think they quite enjoy the fact that my obesity could cause major medical problems down the road. That just means much more money for the medical community. So, here I am shelling out $12,000 dollars to save my own life.

This is also not only my decision to make. My husband and I have talked endlessly about this. It’s a lot of money and it will change our lives in many ways. I will be eating very differently, which will affect him. This will be something I have to plan for and think about every single day. He is committed to make changes in his life, and even excited about it. He may be skinny, but he will be the first to tell you how out of shape he’s in. We are lazy. We encourage each other to be lazy. We eat larger than normal portions. It’s a vicious cycle we can’t blame on anyone, but ourselves. We take our bodies for granted and fill them with crap, more often than not. What kind of life is that?

Bottom line, something has to change and fast. We love each other and want to live a long time. Not to mention, we would like to have children one day. This is not something we want to teach our children. We want to show them how to be active and eat right.

So, there it is. You’re pretty much caught up. I hope to use this blog as a tool to help me deal with surgery. It’s not going to be easy or a magic cure, by any means. I have a rough road ahead of me, and I think sharing my story will help. I have gone from not wanting anyone to know about it at all, to telling a few people, to writing this blog. I tend to talk out problems, and this is pretty close to doing that. Don’t worry; it won’t all be about surgery and my recovery. Yes, I will post pictures of my progress. No, all my posts won't be this long.