OK,
so I obviously haven’t blogged in a while, but I have a good reason. I have been completely
concealed in a perfect cocoon with my family. I’ve taken the last four months
to devote all my time and energy to Silas. This is probably the most uninterrupted
time I will be able to spend with him for the rest of my life and I chose not
to take a second of that for granted.
Let’s
start at the beginning. Silas’ due date was May 12. He was born May 22, against
his will. This was my first lesson in the lack of control I now have over my
life. Also, it was the first sign that Eli and I will ultimately be paid back
for all the stubbornness we harbor in our own lives.
I
had to be induced to force him to come out. Everything went fairly smoothly
with only a few normal complications. We had one scary moment when we lost his
heartbeat and I had 432 nurses and doctors jostling me around to get him off of
his umbilical cord. I had what I only assume is a D student perform my
epidural. After 15 ½ hours of labor, 15 minutes of pushing and only the left
side of my lower half completely numb, Silas arrived. He was perfect. I’m sure
no other mother has ever said that about their baby, right? Having my baby
placed on my chest after months of waiting to meet him was by far the best
moment of my life. Having Eli there as we stared in amazement at our incredible
accomplishment was easily second.
We
were so blessed that Eli was able to stay home with us for the first month. It
flew by so fast as we got to know our new son and adjust to being a family of
three. I always knew Eli would be a great dad, but I had no idea how great he
would be. The bond he has with Silas is beautiful and makes me so proud. He’s
attentive, loving and patient. He never complains about early-morning feedings
or diaper duty. It’s so moving to see a man completely let his guard down to
talk baby talk and smother his kid with kisses. Some of my favorite moments are
when Eli is changing Silas and I hear them talking in the other room. Eli comes
home every day and immediately holds his arms out and says, “Gimme my boy.” Now
that I’m about to return to work, I think we will probably be fighting over
Silas in the evening.
Another
great part about having Silas is seeing my parents bond with him. I always knew
my parents would fit into the grandparent role great, but I had no idea how great.
I’m pretty sure my mother has found a new purpose in life. She has found a way
to let any stress and negativity in her life go, because nothing else matters
in a world with her grandson. My dad is already planning Silas’ first trip to
the woods and trying to get him to say, “I love you Paw Paw.” They can’t get
enough of him, and it’s great to see. I love seeing them form a bond with Silas
that I know will always be very special to him. 
I
can’t believe my four months of maternity leave are already done. I’m
struggling with returning to work and putting Silas in daycare, but I know it’s
ultimately the best decision for our family. He’s going to one of the best
daycares in the state and I know they will take great care of him. However, it
will never be as good of care as I provide. I can’t stand the thought that I
will not be the one feeding him or rocking him to sleep during the day. The
good news is that it’s very close and I can go visit or feed him during my
lunch break. That is until he gets old enough to have separation anxiety. I hope
one day I will be able to feel less guilty about abandoning him in daycare. I
also hope Silas will one day appreciate the fact that he has a hard-working
mom.
I’ll
be back soon to talk about my post-baby weight. Spoiler alert: it’s still
there, but I’ll explain more later.
