First Trimester

I am now 16 weeks pregnant. Eli and I went to the doctor this morning and heard the heartbeat for the first time. It is the best sound, and way different from just seeing it flutter on the ultrasound. The doctor said everything was going along perfectly, so we’re happy with a good report.

Since I’m officially past the first trimester, I thought I would do a recap of what’s been going on since I found out I was pregnant.

I know some of you are probably wondering about my lap-band. When I got pregnant my surgeon took most of the fluid out of the band. This allows me to eat foods I wasn’t able to eat before, like bread. I can also eat more to allow for the baby to get nutrition. This came in handy when it came to morning sickness, which was 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The nausea never went away. I have horrible food aversions, so for a while I was literally eating whatever came into my mind that I didn’t think would make me gag. Needless to say, it’s nice to not have restrictions to what I can eat. Luckily, things seem to be getting better. I still have nauseous days a couple of times a week, but that is completely doable compared to everyday.

Since I started out a little overweight, I’m only supposed to gain about 30 lbs throughout the whole pregnancy. I am perfectly prepared for the fact that I need to gain weight and that it is healthy and normal. However, I try very hard to stick to the limits my doctor has set for me. I am convinced that I can ONLY gain 30 lbs, and have figured out how much I can gain per week. Trust me, I won’t switch to protein shakes or do drastic workouts if I go over, but I will feel down about it. Now that I’m able to eat without gagging, I’m able to eat healthier. Plus, Eli and I walk several miles almost every day. Besides, six weeks after the baby arrives, my lap-band gets tightened up again and we start all over. At least I will have a tool to help me lose the baby weight.

Here’s a reminder as to why I had my lap-band surgery in the first place. It was to help me lose weight after a long battle with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My main goal was to avoid the health problems that have plagued my family, but also to be healthy enough to have a baby. PCOS can cause fertility problems, especially if you are overweight. About six months ago my doctor suspected my PCOS had pretty much been reversed due to my weight loss, but there wasn’t a real way to tell until I tried to have a baby.

I didn’t even know if I could get pregnant. Eli and I both went into this thinking it would be a long battle and tried to prepare for the possibility that we may not be able to have children. A month and a half later I was pregnant. I feel as if I have been fighting one battle after another the past few years, and I didn’t expect this to be any different. It is such a relief to know I am able to have children. I have gone through the past 10 years, truly not knowing if it would be possible.

This doesn’t mean I am not a nervous wreck. It took until we saw the baby moving its legs on the three-month ultrasound to really get excited. Of course, the idea of a baby was thrilling, but I was too scared to get too excited. I was terrified that something would go wrong. I still am, but less so now than before. I truly am not a negative person; I just like to be prepared for all situations.

In a way the first trimester is a very lonely time. I am not an extremely private person and love to talk to people about what is going on in my life. Outside of my family, no one knew. There is something special about the fact that that my husband and I had this secret for several weeks (until the families knew), but outside of that it sucks to keep a secret that big.

Most people now days keep it a secret for fear of something going wrong, so you don’t really know a lot about what to expect during this time. I read books and information online, but nothing could take the fear away. I almost felt guilty for not being excited enough. I was very cautious to start planning or getting too excited, because I was so scared something would go wrong. All you ever hear about is how the miscarriage rate is so high. I just needed a couple of ultrasounds to see the baby developing for my mind to ease a little. I hope the people that have been pregnant before know what I am talking about, because the last thing I want is for people to think we were not over the moon about having a baby.

There you have it; the first three months. Throw in about four business trips and a cruise, and you have everything you missed. FYI, don’t go on a cruise while eight weeks pregnant. While I had medicine made for people going through chemotherapy, it was not a miracle drug. This brings me to my next point; assume you will get pregnant immediately upon making the decision to have a baby.

A few additional comments from Stacy’s hormones:

1) Just because I used to be fat doesn’t mean I have a maternity wardrobe. I only need extra room in the stomach area for now. If I put on a size too big, it would be big all over. Stop asking.

2) Don’t downplay my morning sickness. I felt like death all day everyday for three months. Most people didn’t notice, because they don’t spend every day with me and I was traveling a lot during this time. Just because I didn’t blow off work, doesn’t mean I felt ok. For example, don’t tell me I’m probably having a boy, because I haven’t been that sick. Shut it.

3) I love my baby and will not do anything to harm it. I’m very well versed on things I can’t eat or medicines I can’t take. Also, I am cleared to lift up to 20 lbs, so don’t give me hard time about lifting 5 lbs. I know you mean well, but I am a very independent person and do not like feeling useless.

Exciting News!

We are so excited to finally share the news that I’m pregnant! I just started my twelfth week, and Baby Alcala will be here around May 12.We just got back from the doctor. We didn't get to hear the heart beating because he/she was hiding. We did get to do an ultrasound and see the heart beating and the legs kicking. The doctor said everything looked great!

We are going to find out the sex the week before Christmas. My super organizational, slightly OCD being needs to know. I. Must. Plan.

If I had to put money on it, I would say I’m having a boy. So much so that I will be in complete shock if I found out it is a girl. Eli thinks he wants a girl, even though I explained to him how much trouble we are. I would think being married to me would be lesson number one. I am kind of leaning towards wanting a boy, because I fear I will have a girl who loves pretty pink princesses and ballerinas. Nothing wrong with any of that, but I would be so far out of my element. Let’s face it, once a tomboy, always a tomboy. Obviously, we will be thrilled with whatever God has in store for us.

One problem I foresee is this child is going to be so spoiled. I can’t even explain the level of spoiled this child is going to be. You see, this is the first grandchild on both sides. All four parents are in their 50s and have long been hinting at how nice a grandbaby would be. Somewhere along the way, the granddog stopped being good enough.  Plus, Eli and I both have siblings that are excited to be aunts and a brother-in-law who will be a great uncle. Eli’s sister has already told me not to buy any books for the baby, because she will cover the essentials for the library. I got a text from her husband (the great uncle-to-be) that wanted to know what children’s movies I already own. My sister, the great bargain hunter, can hardly wait to start shopping. Throw in a lot of friends who have already offered to babysit (we’ll see if that promise holds up) and spoil him or her, and this child is already rotten.

Speaking of spoiled … I might be a little. Eli has by far surpassed my dreams of what a husband should be. He has always possessed qualities I wish I had in myself. The past few months have not been easy (even though he won’t admit it). I have been sick most of the time. The worst of my morning sickness is at night. That means the few hours he gets to see me, I feel like dog doo. He has been taking care of everything you can imagine. He now does the grocery shopping, because I have awful food aversions. The one time I went I wasn’t able to eat any of the food we bought. He has let me pick every meal for this same reason. He has taken care of me completely. As I type, delete and retype this paragraph, I know I’m not doing him justice. He eases my fears about having a baby. Above all, I have no concerns about what kind of father he will be.

That’s all I have for now. By now my Facebook post announcing this has probably started drifting around the office, so I expect squeals shortly. I have a lot more I want to tell you about, but I think this is enough for now. I will be blogging about the journey along the way. I know a lot of you enjoy my blog due to my honesty. I will do my best to stick to that. As usual, no promises that I won’t have a few TMI moments. Hey, it’s part of why you love me.

Balancing Act

I’ve been traveling for work the past three weeks. First up was Philadelphia, then Chicago and finally Dallas. I’m really fortunate to get the opportunity to travel all over the country and see cities I may not take the time to see on my own. Philly and Chicago were a treat to me, because I had never been to those places. I got to see the Liberty Bell and take a night bike tour of Chicago, all within two weeks.

Unfortunately, I was traveling without much help from my lap-band. Since I was so sick (see post below) from taking medicine for my broken foot, they had to take a lot of fluid out of my band. This makes it looser. This means I can eat more and faster. Not good for the fat kid that will forever live

inside me. The good news is that my stomach has completely healed and I’m not feeling malnourished anymore. The bad news is that my travels were unexpected and I didn’t have time to get my band tightened before I left. When it gets tightened I have to go on a liquid diet for 48 hours and then a mushy-food diet for 48 hours. Four days of not a lot of calories is not a good idea when I’m traveling and logging long hours. Plus, I’m often in situations where I don’t have control of where I eat.

When I’m not traveling, I usually have one cheat meal a week. I tend to lean towards a steak and frozen yogurt. I try not to eat a lot of red meat or sweets, so allowing myself to have those items once a week makes me feel less deprived. Now, with that being said, I have to always practice self-control. It’s so easy to use special occasions and traveling as an excuse to bend the diet rules. I definitely did that the past few weeks.

I can’t help but feel very lonely sometimes. I know a lot of people struggle with food, but no one really talks about it. I get tired of trying to justify or defend what I’m eating at all times. Surely, I’m not the only person in the world that has this constant internal dialogue I have going on when it comes to eating. It would really help if I knew how other people felt, because maybe I wouldn’t feel so damn bad about myself sometimes. Here’s the full confession of things I shouldn’t have eaten while traveling:

Two blueberry muffins (two different days)

• Half a country fried chicken (Never again. You can bet money on it. I was pretty sure my arteries hardened)
• Baked potato
• Mashed potatoes (twice)
•  Five alcoholic drinks (not all at once)
• Strawberry smoothie
• Three chili’s Southwestern Egg Rolls
• Chips and queso
• One fried pickle
•  Five sweet treats (cookies, a cupcake, 1/3 of a piece of carrot cake, 1/2 a crème brule, chocolate mousse)

I didn’t want to admit all of this, because it makes me feel like a failure. I truly strive to be as honest as possible on this blog, so there you have it. I feel gross and ashamed. Before you judge me, I invite you to make a list of all the items you probably shouldn’t have eaten in the past month.

Now for the reality check: it’s may not be all that bad. I was extremely busy and running around during the days I was working. I was sightseeing and sometimes working out at night. Plus, I only traveled three days each week, and I mostly followed my diet when I was at home. I miraculously didn’t gain any weight, but I fully recognize that I probably would if I kept this cycle going.

Another important point to make is that I’m taking it upon myself to get my band tightened. A lot of people with this surgery don’t like the pain of getting it adjusted and enjoy being able to eat normally. I hate it. I like the restrictions my band place on me. I have to chew my food well, eat slowly and can only have small portions. Do I sometime have to excuse myself because I get food stuck and have to throw up? Sure, but almost everyone in my life knows my situation, so it gets a little less mortifying each time it happens.

I know every time I mess up, I can’t pat myself on the back and tell myself it is ok just because I don’t gain any weight.  Lower weight does not equal good health. I also know that I want to enjoy my life and not feel like I just ran over a puppy every time I want to stray from my diet. I truly enjoy eating healthy. I love the feeling I have at the end of the day when I know I didn’t put anything toxic in my body.

I’m off next week to get my band tightened. I’m done traveling for a couple of weeks, so I will be able to get back to my routine. The bad news is that my foot is definitely still broken. It hasn’t improved. In fact, I think it’s worse. I need to get an MRI to get the probable diagnosis of surgery. If that’s the case it will be at least December before I could consider taking time off for surgery. I can deal with the pain, but not being able to not get good cardio makes me depressed. Bike riding is going well, but not when I have to do it in the gym. It just doesn’t give me a good workout.

My goal for this month is to continue working on finding a balance in my life. I’m also going to stick with doing whatever workouts I can to keep me moving. Something is better than nothing, even if it’s not exactly what I want to be doing. The last thing I need is to get out of shape. I’ve learned a few things over the past year. I’m nowhere near the mess I was before I started this journey.

Welcome Back

Well, I’ve had a rough time lately on many levels. I’ve had a few setbacks, but the good news is that my weight is holding steady. Trust me, after everything that’s happened, I’m perfectly happy with that.

We went to Florida at the beginning of July. We had a lot of fun, but I was having a lot of trouble eating. I got sick almost every day and was having a hard time even drinking protein shakes. When I get sick I’m supposed to go to liquids for 48 hours, but I was on vacation. I didn’t want to be weak and grumpy because I was so hungry. I got desperate for calories and turned to frozen yogurt. It was the only thing that didn’t hurt. The cold would ease the swelling on my stomach and take the pain away. I even had a plan. I would attempt to eat all day, and succeed about 25 percent of the time. Then at night a couple of hours before bed, I would eat some frozen yogurt to make my stomach stop hurting and give me enough calories to make me not feel hunger. This allowed me to be comfortable and get some sleep. I know it sounds horrible, but honestly it’s kind of just part of my life.

I had always been told by my surgeon that sinus drainage will make my stomach swell. I had been having some allergies, so I thought maybe this is why my stomach was so swollen. We were about to head home, so I planned to just figure something out when we got home. Then we got a call that Eli’s favorite uncle had died. We headed home for a few days, and then headed out to Albuquerque for the funeral. I was taking Mucinex like it was candy and eating nothing but soup and ice cream. I felt like crap. At this point, the hypochondriac in me was convinced I was developing an eating disorder.

I had a previously scheduled appointment with my surgeon coming up, so I stuck it out for a few more days. At this point I was drinking shakes during the day. My dinner consisted of eating a few bites of soup until it hurt and then eating a few bites of ice cream to ease the pain. I would do this back and forth until I couldn’t take it anymore. The day of my doctor appointment I was struggling to even drink water. I almost had to pull over on my way to work to throw up water. That is bad.

From my June 15 post, you learned that I had broken my foot and was benched from working out. Because of swelling in my foot, my doctor gave me a prescription of hospital-strength ibuprofen. After my lap-band surgery I was told to never take any painkillers except Tylenol. This is because ibuprofen can cause stomach irritation. Well, me being the doctor I am decided that taking ibuprofen for a very short amount of time wouldn’t hurt anything. I had never had issues with stomach irritation and ibuprofen, so I figured I would be okay. Wrong.

The surgeon adjusted my band and made it looser, which has changed my life. After 48 hours I was able to eat again. My energy was coming back up and I was feeling better … for about two days. It was then I discovered I had developed a dependency on ice cream. I craved it. After a year of modifying my sugar intake and getting a handle on my sweet tooth, I blew it all in one little month. I seriously felt like someone who had earned a year of sobriety and then fell off the wagon. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had once been the person praised for such amazing willpower. What happens when you feel guilty about something? Well, in my world it makes me want to eat sweets. Oh yeah, I’m still not working out due to my broken foot. Fail. Fail. Fail all over the place.

Fast forward a week. I had a moment of clarity. Was it really that bad? Sure I hit a few bumps in the road, but it’s not like I gained any weight. Pretty good considering I wasn’t working out and considered ice cream a vegetable for a month. I went to the grocery store and stocked up on all my healthy food and set out on a familiar journey of low-carb eatin’. Did I have ice cream this week? Yes, twice actually. But that’s an improvement, so I’m happy with that. Am I a human being capable of errors? Yes, and some of them are actually worse than screwing up my diet. It doesn’t take genius to see that I learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes life is out of my control. I do the best I can with what’s in front of me. If I mess up I don’t let it define all my other decisions. I move forward and fix what I can. Oh yeah, and my foot is feeling a lot better, so I am going to start some light exercising this week.

As I head into another week of improvements, I hope my short comings will make someone feel better. For all those people that didn’t understand my willpower and felt defeated because you couldn’t live up to my achievements, I give you the gift of my screw-ups. Now you all know that I’m not perfect when it comes to eating right. More importantly, I now know I’m not perfect when it comes to eating right. I know I’m strange (for many reasons), but it makes me feel better to know I’m capable of making mistakes and not spiraling out of control.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago I was at Baptist Hospital having lap-band surgery. I weighed in at 287 lbs and wore a size 26. I was officially morbidly obese. I couldn’t go up a single flight of stairs without losing my breath. I never worked out. I didn’t know how to read food labels. I ate pasta, pizza or fast food several times a week. Not a day went by that I didn’t indulge in a sweet treat. I couldn’t fly on an airplane without getting a seatbelt extender. I couldn’t enjoy activities like ziplining or horseback riding because I exceeded the weight limit.  I had a hard time fitting in booths at restaurants. The only had two stores I could shop at regularly. I had high blood pressure.  

Today, I weigh in at 167 lbs. I’ve lost a total of 120 lbs in the last year. I’m a size 10. I work out at least five days a week (not counting the last couple of weeks due to my broken foot). I can tell you anything you want to know about a food label and how to read it. I never buy an item in the store without reading the label to make sure it passes my dietary inspection. I have not had pizza, pasta, rice, soda, a candy bar or bread in the last year. I’ve only had fast food literally a few times, and it’s usually a salad. I have one dessert a week. I have plenty of room on airplanes and in booths, and no longer look at weight restrictions on anything. I shop wherever I want, and get overwhelmed by all the choices. My recent blood work showed perfect health. 

Am I exactly where I want to be? Nope. Will I ever be? I’m not sure. Right now I’m still considered overweight for my height. I should weigh 150 lbs to be a “healthy” weight. I don’t know if anyone is ever truly happy with what they look like. I’m also not sure if I’m any different. Instead of complaining about my weight, I complain about my surgery scars and the extra skin I have. I don’t consider myself a failure for being 17 lbs overweight. I consider myself a success for only being 17 lbs overweight. I’m staying focused on the fact that I lost 120 lbs in a year!

Thank you all for taking this journey with me. I know it’s been a crazy year. Thank you for standing by me as I complained, stared longingly at your food or had to excuse myself to throw up. I truly believe your support gave me the motivation I needed to get through this. I am forever grateful.

I hope you will continue to enjoy my blog. I’ve still got some weight to lose and a lot of life to enjoy!