Halfway through the holidays

Since you are always asking for pictures, below is a photo in April of this year. The second photo was taken last week, which marks my five month anniversary since surgery.

November 2010 - 5 months after surgery

April 2010 - 3 months before surgery

 

I’ve lost a total of 78lbs and currently weigh in at 209lbs. I’m making great progress towards my goal of being less than 200lbs by News Year’s Day. It’s going to be really close, but I will take whatever I can get. I finally have a handle on the clothing thing. Since my pants can go from fitting snuggly to falling down within a week, I now have size 16 (which I’m going to have to start wearing now) and 14 in black pants and jeans on reserve in my closet. I’ve decided two pairs of black pants (so they match all my shirts and each worn twice a week) and one pair of jeans is enough to get by. The Christmas sales have helped tremendously. After I get through the 14s, I’m going to have to figure out where to shop. I will be out of the plus size store, and have no idea where I’m supposed to shop. The last time I was that small, my wardrobe came from American Eagle and Abercrombie & Fitch. Pretty sure I’m too old for those stores now.

I made it through Thanksgiving without any problems.  Eli and I did the Boulevard Bolt, which is a five mile walk/run. We walked it and finished in about an hour and a half. I was quite proud of this considering the horrible shape we were both in just five months ago. I could easily get winded just walking up a flight of stairs. I stuck to my diet through both family meal gatherings, with the exception of a little stuffing. The next day I had even lost a little weight.

I just made it through a two-day company retreat. This was the first time I was faced with having no control over my food. They always bring food and have the rest catered, so I had to improvise the best I could. I found out ahead of time what was planned and took my own breakfast, lunch and snack items. Luckily, I was able to eat some of the dinner they provided. It wasn’t fun having candy and tasty treats in the conference rooms the entire time. It also felt weird to be the only one eating a salad out of a Tupperware container while everyone else is standing in line to get pizza, but I made it.

The next challenge will be Christmas and News Years. I’m more nervous about the next couple of weeks rather than the actual holiday. There is always a ton of junk food at the office. Between clients sending gifts, people bringing in items from home and the monthly breakfast and birthday treats, it’s going to be rough. I’m getting better with turning down food, but it gets hard when it’s constantly put in my face. What makes me even more uncomfortable is when people make special accommodations for me.  It’s truly easier if people live their lives as normal. I don’t want people to deprive themselves or to try and hide the fact they are eating something I can’t have.  I have a group of friends and family that I can complain to when it gets hard or I’m frustrated there are cupcakes in the kitchen at work … again.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming and I get extremely frustrated, because I have to constantly think about it. It’s not always as simple as saying, “No.” I always have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I ultimately decide it’s not worth it to give in, but I have to convince myself. It can be emotionally draining at times, but deep down I’m proud of myself when I make good decisions.

I have a sinus infection right now, which is the first time I’ve been sick since surgery. It was a little difficult to find liquid antibiotics and over the counter medicines I could take, but I got it all figured out with the help of my doctor. Antibiotic pills and Mucinex are all extremely large pills and I can no longer swallow them. Some medicines don’t work if you cut them into smaller pieces. Just another example of how I constantly have to be thinking and planning ahead.  The hardest part is not working out for a couple of days. I’m not used to just sitting around anymore. It’s actually really challenging to do nothing.

I continue to be focused on my goal of being less than 200lbs by New Years. Hopefully, that will give me the willpower to make it though the rest of the holidays. I also have almost three weeks off from work coming up in a couple of weeks, so I will have plenty of time to focus on working out and eating right in order to meet my goal. It will be nice to have some time off and relax. I’ll keep you posted.

I will buy you a new life

The title is a line from one of my favorite songs by Everclear. That’s what I did. I bought myself a new life four months ago.

I have lost 67 lbs and am still going strong. It seems like years since I had my surgery, but it’s only been four short months. I am on track to be below 200 lbs by New Year’s Day. I’m at 220 right now. I am a size 18 in pants; down from my starting size of 26 (yes they make them that big). That’s the first time I’ve made that specific information public. I know it seems that I am know no limits when it comes to sharing, but admitting my pant size was a lot more frightening than my weight for some reason. It will be so nice to shop at a store other than Lane Bryant! It’s awful only having a few stores where you can shop.

Here’s a partial list of things I have not had since before starting the pre-op diet:
• Carbonated beverages
• Candy bars
• Pizza
• Pasta
• Bread
• Chips or crackers

When I see them written out, I can’t believe I’ve had the willpower to fend off all my former favorites. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. Halloween was a regular torture fest. I was super busy and had a stressful week at work, so I already wanted to stuff a whole cake in my face. The company party was stocked full of yummy treats, but I stayed true to my diet and didn’t have even one thing. I’m not looking forward to staying strong and on track during the holidays, but I’m confident I can do it.

I know it’s important to not deprive myself, because one day I might snap and eat my weight in chocolate. To avoid deprivation, I have one treat a month. August I had a few bites of wedding cake (it was so sweet it started making me nauseous). In September I had a half a piece of carrot cake. In October I had 3 oz of frozen yogurt. The point is that I have very little of each treat and it satisfies me.

Working out is truly the key to weight loss. I keep a very strict routine of being active every single day. This usually means going to the gym Monday through Friday and doing something a little less boring on the weekends. This past weekend Eli and I went to Radnor Lake and hiked both days. Sometimes we walk around our neighborhood or I dance like a crazy person to the game Just Dance on Wii. We also play racquetball, and I like taking cardio classes at the YMCA. I’m finally to the point where I like working out. I feel better and more energized if I do. It’s also been quite the stress reliever during a busy couple of months at work.

Your support and encouragement is always very much appreciated. You guys have been my very solid rock so far. I look forward to continuing my journey. Until next time …

I'm still here

Before surgery

Three months after surgery

First things first, I’ve officially lost 53 pounds! My next goal is to be less than 200 pounds by Christmas. 

I had my final band adjustment (hopefully for a while) a couple of weeks ago. The band around my stomach is now pretty tight. I am able to eat about one cup of food at a time. That is not much at all, but I still feel great. This adjustment was quite a bit tighter and has been kind of hard to get used to. I have to do the things I’ve been doing all along, but much better and a little more extreme. I absolutely have to chew all my food up to mush and eat super slow. I have to literally think about every bite I put into my mouth and evaluate when I can swallow. I also have to pay close attention to when I’m full so I don’t eat too much and get sick.

A week after my adjustment, Eli and I took a trip to Destin. I won a week at a fabulous condo from one of the partners at the PR firm I work for. Super generous. Super lucky me. The vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. We were thinking about taking a trip somewhere, but couldn’t decide what to do. Eli and I have both have been working long hours. That paired with all the changes from my surgery has made for little time to spend together. I don’t think either of us realized how much we needed a break until we got there.

What a journey getting there was…

The air conditioning went out about an hour into the trip. We felt it getting warmer, so Eli switched it off to give it a rest. When he did this, we heard a part fall off the car and tumble down the interstate. If you know me, this is not good. I don’t do hot. I then proceed to slightly lose my mind. I did a pretty good job of stomping and throwing a two-year-old-level tantrum (but with a lot more cursing). Poor Eli. At least it wasn’t directed at him, and I eventually figured out I would just have to deal with the heat.

This part gets a little graphic…

It was so hot we decided to hit a drive thru for lunch, instead of getting out of the car. I’m driving and munching on a hamburger patty. All of the sudden I have that awful feeling like I couldn’t breathe. My stomach was clogged. This has only happened a couple of times, but I can usually drink some water and make myself burp to get the food to pass. In a matter of two seconds, I realized this was going to end badly and threw up all my food. It went all over me while I was driving down the interstate. As it was happening, all I could think about was how I had to pull the car over safely. I had to change all my clothes on the side of the interstate. I had a good sobbing pity party for myself, and we got back on the road. So, I survived my first official throwing up incident. It’s a miracle I made it this long.

As soon as we got to Destin, Eli rented tools and bought the parts to fix my AC. He then spent the next four hours working on my car. I can’t tell you how blessed I am to have such a smart and understanding husband.

We then had a fabulous vacation. I made sure to eat breakfast and lunch according to my diet and then loosened the rules a tiny bit for dinner. We made sure to work out every day and I was even able to lose weight. I never thought I would be one of those people who worked out on vacation.

Working out has become a must for me. I don’t feel right if I miss even one day. We try and do something active every day, if possible. We try to add new activities and keep it from getting boring. For example, I bought Just Dance for the Wii. I learned I have no rhythm, but can work up a sweat trying to dance.

I’m also cooking a lot more. I started to get bored with all the food I was eating, so I had to venture out a little. I bought all of George Stella’s cookbooks and use them almost every day. Eating lower carbs has become a way of life and it gets easier all the time. Just tonight I made a homemade pumpkin pie with whipped topping. It’s all homemade; nothing from a box. It’s also low carb with no sugar added.

I’m almost three months out from surgery and am amazed at how my life has changed since then. I look better. I feel better. I’m going to make it!

Updates - All Good

I know it’s been a while since I posted, so I wanted to give you a quick update on everything.
Things have definitely improved since my last post. A couple of health victories:
• My blood pressure is now completely normal.
• I bought pants that are four sizes smaller.
• I was able to discontinue use of my acid reflux medication.
• I have lost a total of 42 pounds!

More good news…
I won a week at a condo in Destin, Fla. from one of the partners at my firm (thanks!), so Eli
and I will be going in a couple of weeks. I’m very excited, because I’m starting to feel like
I need a break from everything. Don’t get me wrong, my life is good and I’m very blessed, but
a break would be very nice. Eli has been working a lot lately, plus we’ve had a lot of things
change in our day to day lives. It will be good to get away together. The condo has a full kitchen,
so I can take a lot of the food I need to eat with me. I will have to relax the rules a little to
accommodate eating out. I also don’t want to have to think about it for every second we’re there.

We joined the YMCA a few weeks ago and have successfully made it a mandatory part of our
routine. We go to the gym Monday through Friday, take Saturday off and play racquetball on
Sundays. I spend a lot of time on the treadmill. I love doing hills and usually ramp the incline
up somewhere between 4 and 10 for most of the time. I usually stay on for 35 minutes, but I’m
working my way towards 45 minutes. I have also been doing some abdominal work and weight
training some days.

I go back to the doctor on September 7. I’m not sure if I will get an adjustment or not. I am
eating the right portion sizes and not getting hungry for a few hours afterward. Also, I’m losing
the right amount of weight. I’m supposed to lose between one and three pounds a week and I’ve
been losing an average of two to three. I can eat about ¾ to 1 cup of food at a time, which may
be the only reason they adjust me. It’s supposed to be closer to ½ a cup at a time, but since I’m
losing weight that may not matter.

Boring to most people news…
The carbohydrate battle is getting better. My surgeon would like for me to keep my carbs below
25g a day. My dietician would like for me to keep them between 25 and 50g a day. I have been
trying to stay as close to 25g as possible, but usually ending up around 30g. For the past week,
I’ve really been concentrating on staying at or below 25g.

Carbohydrates are organic compounds found in foods, which can or cannot be absorbed into
the human body. Examples are: sugars, starches, fats and fibers. If you have no idea what I’m
talking about, I encourage you to look at the amount of carbohydrates on any food or beverage
item you have. I think you will be very surprised at how many are in certain items. I have to try
(and sometimes fail) to not point out to my friends and family how many carbs are in the items
they’re eating. I always hated when people pointed out I was eating crap, and I strive to not be
that person.

Sorry for the delay in posts, but I don’t want to bore you with information you already know.
Photo update will be coming soon … hopefully, from a beach in Florida!

With the good comes the bad

It was bound to happen. I had a bad week.

Apparently, I have a new addiction. Instead of food, I am addicted to the scale. I weight myself
first thing every morning, which is a big no-no in the weight-loss surgery world. For almost two
weeks, I found myself stuck between the same two pounds. I hit a plateau and just couldn’t seem
to move past it. This is frustrating beyond belief!

I started feeling very overwhelmed. I wasn’t losing much weight and felt like a failure. I know
it seems a little soon to have such thoughts, but until now, I’ve been losing weight consistently.

I also had to face my first extended time away from home. A few girlfriends and I were planning
to go on a short overnight trip to Birmingham to attend the wedding of another friend. The idea
of this made me very anxious. I feared having to make quick decisions for more than one meal
in a row. I know I blog about my experience and it seems very public, but my thoughts and
processes for dealing with each situation is very much private. Eli is the only person that truly
understands what is going on and how different situations affect me. I am so grateful to him.

Most of the time, it’s not a big deal. I know what I can and can’t eat. I can usually plan to bring
my own food when there won’t be anything I can eat. I always have a plan. Up until now, I’ve
only had to deal with, at most, one meal away. The problem with this road trip was that I knew
I would have to make quick decisions in front of several people. While this group knows me
very well and understands my surgery, I don’t like being on the spot. I didn’t want to have
to choose all the places we ate, and I like to research establishments before I go to them (if
I haven’t already). This can be a very time consuming process. On top of that, I drink a lot
of water, which means I have to go to the bathroom a lot. We were also planning on sharing
a hotel room, and it was just going to be too much time of me feeling completely exposed.

Well, it all eventually got to me and I canceled. I decided I would drive there and back the same
day and avoid the whole situation. It turned out to be a good decision and only required me to
eat a little out of my comfort zone. I had Eli and another friend of ours to keep me company. I
hate that I had to inconvenience my friends, but I probably wouldn’t have been very much fun
anyways.

The truth is, I’m only six weeks past surgery. I’m still learning and figuring things out. I will
need a little more time to be comfortable in different situations. It’s kind of hard to explain to
someone how much work it takes. It’s a very calculated, well-thought out, obsessive compulsive
process. I did learn that I have to be selfish sometimes. I have to take baby steps, and need to
take it slowly. If something makes me uncomfortable, I need to step back and figure out how to
deal with it instead of trying to force myself to be ok. This change is going to be for the rest of
my life, and that’s not something I feel I should rush.

I had another visit with my surgeon and did a food journal review with my dietician yesterday.
When I shared my frustration, they pretty much laughed at me and explained I couldn’t be doing
anything differently. I’m eating right and working out often. They assured me that my body is
still adjusting and will not lose weight every day. Luckily for me, I had my band tightened which
is followed by 48 hours of liquids. This helped get the weight-loss train moving again. I’m now down 35 pounds! Just two months ago, I was terrified that I was going to reach the 300 lb mark
and now I’m almost less than 250 lbs! This is a BIG deal for me. So, things are looking up, and
my positive attitude is returning.

Once a food issue, always a food issue

Before surgery

July 31, 2010 - One month after surgery

I’m still feeling great, but am discovering new issues every day. I have been exercising religiously seven days a week, and sticking to my diet. I no longer have a problem hitting my carbs and protein. I keep it under 25g of carbs and get about 95g of protein every day.

Before surgery I had to have a psychiatric evaluation to make sure I was mentally stable for surgery. When I met with the psychiatrist he informed me that I passed on all the levels and was considered normal. I know someone out there is laughing and saying, “Yeah, right.”

Well, there was one little thing; I’m a touch obsessive compulsive. According to him, I am very organized and like to have things run according to schedule. I know, complete shocker. He said this made me an even better candidate for surgery. It actually has come in handy because I have to always be thinking and preparing for what I’m going to eat.

I’m doing everything right. I feel good. I notice a difference in my clothes. What’s the problem?

I am having a hard time with the weight loss thing. I lost 20lbs in two weeks on the pre-op diet, which means I’ve only lost a little more than 10lbs since surgery exactly a month ago. This is clearly in the recommended healthy range of 1 to 3lbs a week. I think I got used to losing some weight every single day and I get frustrated if I go a few days without any weight loss. Granted, I’m not supposed to weight myself daily, but I just can’t help it. I want to lose weight NOW!

I am also having issues giving myself a break sometimes. I know I’m not supposed to deprive myself, but I do. There were cupcakes at work on Thursday and it seriously took me 30 minutes to decide if I wanted to have even a ¼ of one. I ended up not giving in, which is huge because cupcakes are my dessert of choice.  I am now so aware of the sugar, carbs and fat in everything that I am unable to give in. I convince myself that it will fill me with regret afterwards. I only like eating at places that I can research their nutrition information online. I like proving to myself that I don’t need a cupcake or other treats.

I try to only eat out once a week, and that is usually on Saturday nights. The plan all along was to approach this one meal as a reward for my week of hard work. Go out without researching nutrition information, and not worry about carbs or protein for just this one meal.  I try to think of what I would want to eat if I could have anything in the world, but all I can think about are places and food that are lap-band friendly.

The decision tonight was Blue Coast Burrito. I knew I could get chicken and cheese on a wheat tortilla and be fine. I also decided we would walk there and back. It worked out well until a storm came through preventing us from getting home for an hour. We went next door to a yogurt store where they let you get your own amounts and toppings. I got a small amount of no sugar added, low fat, low carb yogurt. I felt good that I allowed myself a treat and it wasn’t that bad for me. Don’t think I didn’t look up the nutrition information as soon as we made the trek back home, though.

So, am I really normal?  I think I am still new to this and doing the best I can. I’m a very results-driven person. I like to be told good job and prove that I can handle challenges. I think this is where my recent decisions come into play. I’ve also learned that most everybody has food issues. Whether it’s an obsession with eating right or ignoring the consequences of eating wrong, we’ve almost all found ourselves in a battle with food. This is all so new to me that I feel it’s best to do whatever makes me comfortable and still allows me to meet my goals. So, go easy on me if I hesitate before agreeing to eat out or seem to obsess over a cupcake. Don’t worry about me. I’m very aware that I could take weight-loss too far, and am always working with my dietician to make good healthy decisions.  I will eventually learn and things will get easier.

I feel like bragging

Please pardon my gloating as I pat myself on the back for a great week. I’ll start with today and work my way back.

Today my husband was giving me a big hug, squeezed me a little and said, “You seriously feel skinnier.”

On Thursday my company had its annual mid-year retreat. Usually this time is spent brainstorming ideas to improve our company and the jobs we do. This time we were surprised by the partners with an envelope of money and four hours to spend it. After the initial shock, everyone made their way around Nashville to do good for either themselves, loved ones or the community. I still have my money (we were allowed to put it in the bank), but plan to give some away to some friends in need and put the rest towards new clothes. I actually bought a belt this weekend as a desperate attempt to keep my pants a little while longer. They are already a few sizes too big, but I can’t afford to buy new clothes at every size.

I had my first adjustment on Wednesday. It didn’t hurt at all, which is great because I’m a huge baby when it comes to matters of needles and doctors. I’m not a fan of being told to sit up while having a huge needle sticking out of my abdomen, but I couldn’t feel it at all. The worst part about having my band tightened is that I had to be on a liquid diet for 48 hours. It was pretty miserable, but I survived.

I met with with my dietician and surgeon and they were both so proud of the work I’ve been doing. I’m eating the right food, getting exercise and keeping a very detailed food journal. My surgeons exact words were, “You’re doing everything perfectly.” I’m happy to report I’ve lost 30 pounds!

The band didn’t have any saline in it before (due to the stomach swelling during surgery), so I didn’t have a lot of restriction when it came to the amount I could fit in my stomach. The doctor warned me this would be the case and encouraged me to still try and stick to the correct portions. So, I was eating the recommended portion size this whole time, but I was getting hungry between meals. The goal is to be adjusted just right, so you are eating the correct portion size and not getting hungry between meals.

The best part is that I feel good about the decisions I’m making. It’s not always easy to eat right. In fact, I had a run-in with a cake on Monday that was pretty difficult to walk away from. Once it was gone and not in my face, I didn’t miss it. I try to remember that it’s probably going to make me feel worse after than it would to give in and have a little. So far, I’ve been right. It is truly one day, one decision and one meal at a time. I think and plan and even strategize to make sure I meet my goals.

Going into this next week, I’m back to my normal routine and feeling great. Picture update coming soon!

I can see clearly now

I have nothing but good news to report this week. I went back to the eye doctor discouraged and tired of looking like a pirate. My eye crossing had not improved. He told me to discontinue using the patch, and he changed the strength of my contacts. As weird as it sounds, the magic cure was to make the power of my left contact weaker. I can still see as well as I used to, and my eye is crossing less and less every day. There is a bunch of medical stuff I could tell you to explain the why and how, but I don’t want to and it’s boring. All that matters is it couldn’t have been avoided, and it’s getting better.

I started a regular exercise routine this week. Well, it’s exercise to me. Eli and I started going for walks in the neighborhood every day. It’s got quite a few inclines. It’s not marathon training, but it gets my heart rate up, and that’s what matters right now. I also got an elliptical machine and use it several times a week. I can only do about 10 steady minutes right now, but I will work my way up. My goal is to get where I can do 45 minutes to an hour of cardio without feeling like I’m dying. Once my incisions heal, we are going to start going to the gym and incorporating weights into our workouts. I will also be investing in a personal trainer to help me stay on track and do the right exercises. . I am trying to surround myself with the best support group possible. I have a nutritionist, doctors and amazing family and friends. I think adding a trainer will help me complete the transformation.

It’s very important to me that I tone while I lose weight. It sounds gross, but obese people have a lot of extra skin. I want to incorporate enough weights to help me tone my body and help me avoid having sagging skin. Luckily, I’m young and my skin still has a lot of elasticity. Also, I’m not quite overweight enough that it should be a big problem

The diet is going extremely well. The only problem I have is staying within my allotted carbohydrates. I’m supposed to stay at 25g a day, but so far I tend to be hovering around 30g. It doesn’t sound like much, but I want to follow all the rules as closely as possible. The good news is that I’m going over in carbs because of fruits and vegetables. My band adjustment next week should take care of this issue. Once I have the band tightened a little bit, I will be eating a little less than I am now. Plus, I have kept a very detailed food journal, so my nutritionist will be able to tell me if I’m doing anything wrong.

I don’t feel deprived and enjoy everything I’m allowed to eat. We decided, as part of new health and financial plans, we would only eat out once a week. We went to a hibachi grill tonight and shared a dinner. I skipped the soup and rice and had a salad, vegetables and chicken. We both had plenty of food (both had to-go boxes) and we only spent half of what we usually do. I even allowed myself to have the small scoop of ice cream that comes with the meal. It was the first dessert I’ve had in weeks. I came home and promptly researched the nutrition information on everything I ate, so I wouldn’t miss a beat in my food journal. Even with eating out, I stayed within my dietary requirements. It was so rewarding to have a good meal out and still stick to my diet.

I was even faced with dining out temptations twice this week, and made the right decisions. A few friends went to lunch, and I went, but took a snack to have while they were dining. Once we got back to the office, I had the salad I brought for the day. A group went out on Friday, and I stayed behind. Partly because I was really busy at work, but mostly because I wanted to stick to my diet plan. I can eat out rather easily, but it’s harder to track the carbs and protein I’m getting. Plus it takes me a long time to eat, because I have to chew my food so thoroughly. Right now, it’s too hard to hold a conversation and eat within a decent amount of time.

The hardest part is convincing people I’m ok. If I really want to eat something, I can. If I really want to go out for a meal, I will. I can find something I can eat no matter where I go. I don’t stay behind or not eat because I can’t. I do it because I don’t feel deprived. If it’s not going to make a difference to me one way or the other, I would much rather stick to the foods I already know the nutritional information for and have weighed ahead of time. I actually feel better about myself when I make a good decision.

So that’s what I learned this week; making good decisions makes me feel better than eating junk food. I really hope that continues happening. I’m sure there will be many temptations and rough spots, but I’m trying to remain positive. For the first time in my life I’m reading labels and really paying attention to what I put in my body.

Adjustments

Well, my eye hasn’t improved at all, but my stomach is doing just fine. I go back to the eye doctor on Tuesday to find out what the next steps are. More than likely, I will need to get some sort of glasses to help my eye from crossing. I’m trying very hard to stay positive about this turn of events. I must admit it’s hard with all the random bad headaches I’ve been getting from straining my one good eye. It’s also frustrating because I would otherwise be feeling relatively normal right now.

Let’s forget about the eye situation for just a minute and talk about my surgery recovery.

My daily life has forever changed, but I think it will slowly start to feel normal. For instance, I now have to weigh everything I eat. This is mostly to make sure I eat the proper portions, but it’s also because I have to keep a journal of my food intake. I know how much my new stomach can hold, so if I weigh out my portions I can be sure I’m not getting too much or too little food.

For those of you who don’t know, my band is managed by saline. My band has a plastic layer on the inside, which is the part touching my stomach. Connected to the band is a plastic tube which leads to my port. The port was sewn into some muscle right under my breastbone during the operation. You can’t see it, but I can feel it right under my skin. The doctor can control how tight or loose the band is by putting a needle into my port and inserting or removing saline. It usually takes a few adjustments to get the band to an optimum level. This means I don’t have any problem getting food down, I’m not able to eat too much and I’m losing a healthy amount of weight each week.

The doctor uses my food journal and compares it to the amount of weight I’ve lost. He can tell if I’m eating the wrong items or if my band needs to be adjusted. Too loose and I will be able to eat a lot and feel hungry. Too tight and I won’t be able to eat enough to get proper nutrition. The food journal is not meant to make me feel guilty or for the doctor to berate me if I make a mistake. It’s really helpful during this time when I’m trying to figure out how I’m supposed to be eating. Nonetheless, it’s kind of daunting to know someone will be looking at every morsel I put in my mouth.

Because adjustments tend to irritate the stomach a little bit, you can only have them about once a month. They are supposed to be pretty painless. Inserting the needle into my port should feel like getting a flu shot. I will have to be on liquids and mushy food for two days following each adjustment, which is the worst part. I will be going for my first adjustment in a week and a half.

I think I’m doing well as far as food intake goes. I’m eating the recommended amount of ounces, protein and carbs. I don’t feel stuffed or sick when I’m done, but I’m satisfied and not hungry. It feels weird, but I think somewhere in my mind I thought I would feel deprived and hungry all the time. I think part of it is the fact that I can eat foods that actually taste good. I’m supposed to eat a lot of meat (for protein) and less than 25g of carbs. My favorite foods right now are BBQ chicken baked in the oven, turkey sausage, salads with grilled chicken, broccoli, green beans, strawberries and cantaloupe.

I don’t want to give the impression that this has all been rainbows and puppies. I still have random bouts of feeling nauseous and my incision sites are still sore. Plus, I must think about every bite I put in my mouth. It’s been a lot of hard work, but so far, well worth it. It feels so good knowing that I’m doing something positive for myself.

Healing

I am almost a week out from surgery, and feeling better every day. I have been trying to settle into my new life. Sorry I haven’t posted until now, but I have had some vision problems preventing me from using the computer too much.

After surgery, I noticed that my left eye was crossing, making it hard to see and causing bad headaches. I had eye surgery when I was a baby due to crossing eyes. My left eye has never been that strong, and I don’t see very well out of it anyways. Contacts help, but if I get really tired, my eye will cross.

I decided to go to the doctor today, because it seemed to be getting worse. Apparently, the anesthesia relaxed my eye muscles a little too much and my eye isn't strong enough to fix itself. I have to wear a big pirate patch over my eye for the next week. There is a chance the patch won’t help. If it doesn’t, I may have to start wearing glasses or have another eye surgery. The doctor thinks this probably would have happened eventually, but much more slowly.

I’m very frustrated, because my healing has been going quite well. It seems every time I have something done, there is some random complication. Sometimes I wish things would just go normally.

In other surgery-related news…

I am happy to say I am eating solid food again. I get full really easily and stay that way for a long time. A 4 once chicken breast and some broccoli can make me feel like I just celebrated Thanksgiving. I am really not exaggerating. I have to learn what being hungry and full feel like, which is way more difficult than it sounds. I’m so used to eating until I feel satisfied, which is way different than being full. I tend to eat at 8 a.m., noon and around 7 p.m. So far, I haven’t felt the need to have snacks between meals.

I have to drink a lot of water, which is tricky because I can only sip it. I literally sit around with a water bottle in my hands and sip it all the time. I can tell when I haven’t had enough and I start to feel gross. My body needs all the nutrients it can get, so I have to work hard to not deprive myself of necessities like water and vitamins.

I haven’t gotten sick once. Apparently, this is quite an accomplishment. I almost lost that battle today. I had some steamed broccoli and carrots for lunch. After I was done, I had this pain in my chest like I had swallowed a tortilla chip with sharp edges. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and kept getting waves of nausea. I thought I had really messed up. I was even sitting next to the toilet. I took really small sips of water, and it passed about ten minutes later. My stomach opening is about the size of a pencil. I have to take very small bites, chew carefully and eat slowly. I’m not sure which rule I broke, but it was not fun. Did I mention if I do get sick I have to go back to liquids for two days?

I haven’t weighed myself in days, because I am supposed to be healing and getting used to my new way of eating. I also will not start working out until tomorrow. By work out, I mean walking. No lifting and anything too strenuous for the first few weeks.

I am ready to get the weight loss going, but know it’s important to heal properly. Patience is a virtue I wasn’t blessed with too much of, but I’m learning.

We begin

I had my surgery yesterday, and everything went fine. There were no complications and I even got to go home several hours early.

Before surgery, I spoke with my surgeon about how good I did on my pre-op diet. I lost 20 lbs in the last two weeks. He seemed very surprised that I stuck to it, because most people usually don’t make it. He said he has nothing but high hopes for me, because I’ve proven I have willpower. Lucky for me I am very stubborn. I also have issues with paying $12,000 dollars for something and screwing it up. It is going to be weird to only lose 1 to 3 lbs a week, when I’ve lost so much so fast.

I’m feeling as good as can be expected. I am very sore and have quite bit of pain right now.  I have six incisions all spread out over my stomach. My entire stomach is sore and feels bruised. They pumped my abdomen with carbon dioxide, so make it swell and give them room to work. It takes about 48 hours for it to absorb into my body. During this time, it is very uncomfortable, and makes my chest and shoulder really sore. I’m told this is normal.

I’m supposed to walk around every 30 minutes to avoid blood clots. When I stand up, gravity takes over and my stitches feel very stretched. My throat is still very sore, making it hard to talk. They had to put a breathing tube down my throat to protect my airway in case anything went wrong. After I woke up they took me to get an x-ray. They made me drink barium as they were taking the x-ray to make sure the band isn’t too tight.

 Eli has to help me a lot. Getting up from the sitting position is the worst. I never knew how much you use your abdominal muscles to do things.  I had to sleep in the recliner last night because it was killing me to lay completely flat on my back. Sweet Eli slept on the couch so he could be close to me if I needed anything.

I am still on all liquids, because my stomach is swollen from the surgery. Right now it is about the size a walnut. Once healed it will be the size of an egg. I get to start eating soft foods tomorrow. Things like chicken and tuna salad and pimento cheese. In a few more days I will start trying to eat normal solid food like chicken, fish and vegetables. Unfortunately, everybody handles food differently. It will be trial and error as I move along and try to figure out what not to eat.  Some stuff may just make me uncomfortable and some stuff may make me vomit.

After my stomach heals the opening will be about the size of a pencil, so it’s important to take small bites and chew very well. It is possible to clog my stomach opening, which could result in pain and vomiting. Until I learn how small of bites I need, I will be using a baby spoon. Sounds silly, but it’s recommended, and I’m for anything to help me avoid getting sick.

I will be eating a lot of meat and vegetables, because they have the most protein and will keep me full. I am supposed to avoid foods that are high in sugar and carbohydrates. At the same time, I’m not supposed to be on a diet. It’s all about making right decisions. This is something I will have for the rest of my life, so it’s important to not deprive myself of things. I can still have cake, but I will only eat a few bites instead of a whole piece. Of course, I can’t eat junk every day.

I will be eating about a cup and a half of food a day. I used to eat that much cereal for breakfast. Big change. I will be cleared to start exercising in a few weeks, so the plan is to work out more and sit in front of the TV less.

This will serve as my before picture. I will post a new photo every month. Weight today is 266 lbs.

Good Things to Come

Well, I’ve almost made it; just a day and a half before my surgery. I’m so ready for it! The past two weeks have been challenging, and I’m ready for the next phase.

I only “cheated” one time, but I had my doctor’s permission. After so many protein shakes, they started to make me really nauseous. He said if the shakes get to be too much, then just make a smart decision and have a Lean Cuisine. So, for my birthday dinner, my family came over and we all had Lean Cuisines to eat. Today, two very good friends had a celebration for me complete with sugar-free Jell-O and candles.

I’m supposed to be drinking four protein shakes today, but I’m just so over them. I’ve had one today and suppose I will have to have one more to get through dinner. Tomorrow is only clear liquids, which I am kind of looking forward to after all these gross shakes.

It is very touching how different people have found ways to be so supportive. Since day one, no one has ever said anything negative or unsupportive. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I didn’t expect everyone to be SO nice. In the back of my mind I kept thinking people would think I was just lazy and needed to go on a diet. So far, people have been very understanding and open about sharing their own food issues.

I am looking forward to meeting small goals I don’t think most people would even think of being a problem. The truth is when you are overweight it starts to take over your thinking. For example, I’m always concerned about weight limits. On our honeymoon, Eli and I went parasailing. I remember the sheer panic that washed over me, when we were in the middle of the ocean and the guide started asking everyone their weight. I was surrounded by muscles and bikinis, and I was horrified. I actually whispered it in his ear, instead of saying it out loud. To make matters worse, I had to have a different suit than everyone else. It looked like it was for transporting a whale through the air.

I recently reached a new low, when I had to get a seatbelt extender on our flight to/from the Bahamas in May. Fortunately, I already had this surgery scheduled or I would have been pretty depressed. I felt like it was a sign from God that I was doing the right thing. It was quite comforting to know that probably won’t ever happen again.

Some other things I am looking forward to:
• Being healthy
• My back and legs not hurting as much
• Being able to stand for longer periods of time without my feet killing me
• Crossing my legs
• Not avoiding activities, because I’m scared I’m too big
• Having more than two stores I can buy clothes

I’m sure there are many more, but these are some of the big ones. Change is around the corner, and I’m ready!

The Five Stages

I am on day nine of the 14-day pre-op diet. So far, I’ve lost 18 lbs. I can’t wait until after surgery, when I am losing weight the normal, healthy way. I’m proud to say, I haven’t slipped from my diet once. Not one bite. Not one drink. Nothing.

I think I’m not hungry anymore, but the truth is, I just got used to the feeling of hunger. It sounds weird, but it makes me feel good to know I’m ok with that feeling. I don’t always have to be full.
I’ve done quite of bit of work mentally over the past nine days, and I think it’s paying off.

I think Eli was a little scared before this started. There are two things that can put me in a bad mood faster than anything: being hot or being hungry. Lucky for us, my diet started during a heat wave. Yay! I’ve only gotten snippy a couple of times, and they were just sarcastic one-liners (shocker, right?). In my defense, one of them was in a really hot car after we had been running errands all day. I probably would have been cranky anyways.

I make up for it by being entertaining. I always tell my dog she’s so cute I could just take a bite out of her. Well, the other day I told her that, and Eli looked at me with a concerned look on his face. As if I would eat the dog! The cat is much bigger and fatter. I kid, I kid. I promise if I come close to eating one of my pets, I will put an end to this diet.

I think I’ve been experiencing the five stages of grief. I know this usually refers to something much more serious than being denied food, but you starve for nine days and tell me how you feel!

1. Denial
I don’t have any issues with food.
2. Anger
Why do I have to go through this? How come everyone else can eat what they want and not have any problems?
3. Bargaining
Let me have just one bite of your sandwich, Eli. One bite isn’t cheating is it?
Don’t worry, I didn’t. I was just testing my power. I have none.
4. Depression
I’m hungry. I feel gross. I have no energy. This is never going to get better.
5. Acceptance
Only X number of days left. I can do this. My life is going to change, but be so much better.

Moral of the story? I’m alive, I feel ok, my pants are already too big and I’m only five days away from surgery. I’ve worked the stages of grief and came out on the positive side (so far).

Hello. My name is Stacy, and I’m an overeater

I started my pre-operative diet on Wednesday. Five days in and I’ve lost 11lbs. It doesn’t feel good though, it feels gross. Like my insides are shriveling up. The diet last for two weeks. My surgery is on June 30, so I am less than two weeks out now. For the first week, I eat a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and a Lean Cuisine (300 calories or less) for dinner. The second week, I can have four protein shakes a day for the first six days. The day before surgery is all clear liquids, which means water, broth and Jell-O.

The good news? I can have as much sugar free Jell-O and chicken broth as I want throughout the two weeks. I thought that was the good news, until I realized they are NOT food. I actually found myself trying to chew my Jell-O just to have the feeling of eating solid food. I’m only consuming about 500 calories a day. Something that sounds scary, but trust me I am working closely with my surgeon and a nutritionist. This would be dangerous if it was long term, but it’s not.

The purpose is to shrink my liver before surgery. Apparently, fat person = fat liver. Since my liver sits on top of the surgical site, I have to do this two-week diet to shrink it enough so it won’t be in the way. If successful, this two weeks can shrink my liver by 25 percent. Plus, it gets me in the mind set of what fewer calories and smaller portions feel like, while detoxing my body.

Let me be clear, this extreme dieting is only for this two week period. After surgery I will start eating normal (more healthy) foods again.

I feel what I imagine an addict feels like the first few days of rehab. I’ve been stripped of sugar, carbs, fat and most calories. I crave it. I think about it constantly. I think about how I could sneak a little a no one would ever know. I feel guilty for secretly wanting something fried or a juicy steak. I’m sad because a Sonic commercial make me physically hurt. Most of all, I feel bad that it’s only been five days, and I have all these feelings. I’m hungry, shaky and can’t think well. All things I have to do my best to work through, because I’m at work most of the day.

In my life, food has always been the center of any celebration. Something good happens, holidays, or just because you want to hang out with a few friends, it’s usually centered around food. Unfortunately, my pre-op diet lands right in the middle of many situations (Father’s Day, my birthday, monthly work breakfast and birthday celebrations, a dear friend moving away).

Last night a bunch of friends went out, and I had to stay behind. Their night consisted of dinner and a few drinks out. As much as it pains me, I’m not strong enough to sit at a restaurant and not eat. Not to mention I have to drink at least 64 ounces of water, which I’m not used to, and have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes. I’m uncomfortable, because I’m always hungry and don’t have a lot of energy. Needless to say, I probably would have brought the night down.

I am determined more than ever to push through these two weeks without a single mistake. If I don’t have enough self control to do this, I don’t have much hope for making the right decisions in the long run. I will survive this successfully. I have been given the gift of having a chance, and I will not screw it up.

The Background

I have been thinking about this for a long time. By this, I mean the decision to share a personal part of my life with everyone. There are a few things to consider. First, I am putting it out there. There is no going back. Making details available on the Web is not something you can change your mind about later.

Second, I work in public relations. I am encouraged to be creative and improve my writing skills on a daily basis, but there is a lot of pressure to write well all the time. I don’t have the security of a team proofing and weighing in on the things I write here. It drives me absolutely crazy to misspell a word or make a grammatical error when I am posting on Facebook. I know there will be times I post something with a mistake, so I am going to try and not be so much of a perfectionist that I don’t tell a good story.

Let me warn you, I tend to over share sometimes. Some think this is charming, some can’t believe I say the things I say. It’s me, and it’s always been me. I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. What can I say? I’m honest. You never have to guess where I stand on something. I tend to lay everything on the line. Point being, be prepared for moments of TMI.

Where to start….

I guess by now, you’re either bored or wish I would get to the point. Here goes. I’m about to have a life-changing surgery called Lap-Band. Basically, I am having a plastic band put around the upper part of my stomach to create a smaller stomach. It will restrict the amount of food I can eat and give me the feeling of being full after about a ½ a cup of food. I will be consuming between 500 and 1,000 calories a day. While this sounds drastic, so is my weight. I currently tip the scales at 287 pounds. I need to weigh about 140 pounds. You have no idea how hard it is to admit that. I only recently became comfortable enough to share this information. Until a couple of months ago, my own husband didn’t know how much I weighed. For so long my weight has been a well-kept secret full of shame and embarrassment. Now that I’m doing something about my weight I feel good about putting it all out on the table.

How did I get here?

Believe it or not, I used to be a skinny, athletic person. I played volleyball, was on the track team, very active in ROTC… you get the point. This photo is from my first day of college in 2002. AfterI started college, the weight gain started. At first it was passed off as the “freshman 15.” I was living on my own for the first time and not as active as I was in high school. The doctor thought I was letting myself go. To tell you the truth, I thought the same thing. Eventually they figured it out. I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I developed this disease because my body had an excessive amount of insulin, which caused a lot of problems, including weight gain. Once diagnosed, it became hard to control my weight. To top it off, the medicine I needed to take to help with my excessive insulin made me sick. The weight just kept coming and I became more and more miserable.

I tried a few times to lose the weight, but it resulted in one failure after another. In a way, that was more stressful than just being overweight. After a while, I gave up. If I am going to weigh a million pounds and not be able to lose it, then I’m not going to diet and be miserable. Almost eight years later, here I am. All 287 pounds of me.

I’m not blaming my PCOS for everything. It started the problem and I made it worse. I gave up on myself. I slowly spiraled downward until I didn’t recognize myself anymore, literally. Part of it was because I was young and oblivious to the fact that I was killing myself. I eat what I want, when I want without regards to portion size or calories.

My family has a very complicated medical history that includes heart disease, obesity and cancer. My current weight makes me much more likely to develop these problems and more. Luckily, I’m young enough that I just might be able to avoid some of these problems if I can lose the weight. In fact, my doctors are confident I can reverse my PCOS after I lose the weight.

Trust me, this isn’t a decision I made lightly, no pun intended. I have been considering it, researching it and talking to my doctors about it for a couple of years. Not to mention, I’ve been saving for it. You see, in our messed up world of health insurance, my insurance plan doesn’t cover any weight loss procedure for any reason. In a way, I think they quite enjoy the fact that my obesity could cause major medical problems down the road. That just means much more money for the medical community. So, here I am shelling out $12,000 dollars to save my own life.

This is also not only my decision to make. My husband and I have talked endlessly about this. It’s a lot of money and it will change our lives in many ways. I will be eating very differently, which will affect him. This will be something I have to plan for and think about every single day. He is committed to make changes in his life, and even excited about it. He may be skinny, but he will be the first to tell you how out of shape he’s in. We are lazy. We encourage each other to be lazy. We eat larger than normal portions. It’s a vicious cycle we can’t blame on anyone, but ourselves. We take our bodies for granted and fill them with crap, more often than not. What kind of life is that?

Bottom line, something has to change and fast. We love each other and want to live a long time. Not to mention, we would like to have children one day. This is not something we want to teach our children. We want to show them how to be active and eat right.

So, there it is. You’re pretty much caught up. I hope to use this blog as a tool to help me deal with surgery. It’s not going to be easy or a magic cure, by any means. I have a rough road ahead of me, and I think sharing my story will help. I have gone from not wanting anyone to know about it at all, to telling a few people, to writing this blog. I tend to talk out problems, and this is pretty close to doing that. Don’t worry; it won’t all be about surgery and my recovery. Yes, I will post pictures of my progress. No, all my posts won't be this long.